When Words Aren't Enough

On Thursday I was asked to visit with a girl that had just received news about the death of her grandfather. As I waited for her to finish with her phone call, I sat there thinking through the emotions that, I knew for a fact, she must be experiencing. Having just recently lost my own grandfather, I was trying to figure out what to say and I discovered that I really couldn't say anything. Reliving my own experience told me that, no matter what I said, sometimes words don't go far enough.

Some people are excellent at communicating through words, but we all run into situations where we are left speechless. For some of us, this happens more frequently than others. I'll find myself in a situation where I wish I could be charming and witty, but the only thing that comes out is flat and boring. I remember a situation when I was in a history club at about age 9 or 10, we were preparing a skit and we all had to give ideas. All I can remember is sobbing in front of the other girls with no ideas to share - oh, and the awkward feeling that fell over the group afterwards.

As we grow up, things change in the way and proficiency of how we talk. However, this doesn't always mean that we become great communicators. How many times do we wish that we could say what we feel and then the words don't match the emotions on the inside? The heaviness that plagues me sometimes is extremely frustrating, almost debilitating. Apparently, though, my face reveals things I may or may not be thinking, which probably just confuses the whole situation.

Hiding in these facts is a truth for all of us, and a blessing. No matter who we are or what we do, there will be times that words will not be enough to convey the pain, joy, love, and sorrow that we experience. This truth in the Christian's life is blessed by the knowledge that when we don't know how to pray, the Holy Spirit is interceding on our behalf with a groaning too deep for words. (Romans 8:26) And, here is the extra jam on the sandwich (so to speak), He is praying according to the will of God himself. He's not just conveying our deep thoughts to God, but He's actually praying the way we should. How humbling, overwhelming and gracious our God is to us.

So, as I agonize over what I did or didn't say, I can dwell on the truth that God hears what I wish I could ask. He knows my fears and my desires. And most of all, He has made me his own - of His own choosing, not because of what I say.

The Color of Bereavement

There is a song that Frank Sinatra used to sing titled, "Looking at the World Through Rose-Colored Glasses". If you're like me, you eagerly look forward to those times when everything looks rosy and pleasant. But we all realize that life has a multitude of glasses that we must look through. They could be grey when life seems to be just a collection of tasks that don't seem to lead anywhere. They could be orange when you see excitement, drive and purpose in your life. They might even be slightly hazy when you are looking at the past with fond remembrances.

But lately, I've experienced the world through bereavement-colored glasses. These glasses are unique, and I was surprised by them. If you have ever looked through a Kaleidoscope, you have seen mirrors and bits of colored items (some broken, some shiny) that form a geometric stained glass effect. This is what these glasses look like to me. Not gray for complete mourning, not yellow for happiness, and not rosy for deep love, but a mixture of all colors.

My Grandpa Swayze died on October 17th, 2011. At first the color of life darkened and was clouded with tears. The sharp corners of reality combined with greys, blues, and black of grief made a design that was painful to look at, but it echoed my heart. But, the glasses were turned and colors "fell", creating an entirely different effect. Remembrances that are so sweet, you can't help but smile at the warmth of the memory. Hour by hour in that first week, the design shifted; bringing smiles, sighs and tears in its way.

Life seemed to slow down and crawl for those first few days. My heart ached as I recalled precious times and the finality hit me. Why was the world going on as it always had? Why didn't it care that my grandfather was gone, he couldn't come back and my life would never be the same again? Then it hit me: Who else is having the same experience through grief? I'm not the only one in the world that is going through this. My eyes have been opened with this strange pair of glasses that show me that my grief is not the only one, nor my last one.

This pair of glasses will always be around, although sometimes they will be pale and almost invisible. Other times they will become as vivid as the day of the funeral. Although Grandpa is not the first loved one I've lost, the fact that I'm older lets me see differently and more clearly. I'm grateful that I can see color through these glasses, but some days I just wish for a pair of rose-colored glasses, for times gone by, and a good bear hug from my grandpa.

Tyranny of the E-mail

E-mail - 1: a system for sending messages from one individual to another via telecommunications links between computers or terminals, 2: A message sent by such a system. 

In the past decade, the popularity of the e-mail has grown in huge bursts. It's rare to find people that don't have a way to receive e-mails, even rarer to find someone who has never heard of the world sweeping phenomenon. Usernames that seem to have no connection to the owner have become extremely imaginative and creative. Would you prefer to be known as jane.smith or would you prefer iceprincess18? Ah, the joys in creating a digital part of yourself and your, rarely expressed, personality.

Then comes that special day when you get your first e-mail account. You give your address to all your friends and log in for the first time. Expectantly, you look at your inbox, positive you'll find nice, news-filled missives that will cause you to reply with equally heart-felt verbiage. But, what's this? There's a missing girl in Georgia?? How terrible! Hmm, I should forward this so that people can keep their eyes open for her, even in Wyoming, it's possible that she's in this area. The world of digital communication is so useful! I didn't even know about the fact that if we get 100,000 users to sign this e-mail, a big co-operation will give us all $100. I know I could use the money, I'll pass this one on too.

And so goes the average sifting through the e-mail boxes of today. What has caused this over abundance of forwards? I believe it has to do with the fact that we have become susceptible to the tyranny of e-mail. Maybe not the e-mail specifically, but our perceived importance of the e-mail and those that passed it on. For example, when you get an e-mail that says “Most of the people who read this e-mail won't pass it on, because they're afraid of what people think. Take a stand and forward this to as many people that you can!”, you may have thoughts run through your head like “I don't want to be known as a coward.”, etc. So, you forward it and feel good about “taking a stand”. We have let what others would think guide our decision making process. When, in actuality, the e-mail isn't really that encouraging or God honoring.

So, what should we do? How about taking the time to write our own e-mails to our friends? And if we find something that is really interesting, encouraging or even funny, share it with your friends - but refuse to send it to everybody. Forward to one person, adding a personal note each time. If we think about it more, don't you think that you'll stop forwarding on “auto-pilot”?

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Ps. If you think the e-mail is something someone should know about, make sure to verify its claims: http://snopes.com/

Beware of "The Watcher"

If earthly comparison was an evil creature, I could easily picture a sea creature like "The Watcher" from Lord of the Rings; octopus-like tentacles with fingers, a mouth that opens up larger than imagined, and a tenacious nature hard to kill.

Through my battles with comparison, I have seen relationships suffer deeply and my attitudes reflect my heart instead of Christ's character. Comparison reaches into the depths of our emotions, clouds our thoughts and tries to hide God's truth. If I'm not dwelling on truth, a Godly, talented person can "cause" me to become bitter, towards them or just my own actions. My desire is to become like Christ, so why do I think becoming more like someone else would make it more likely?

Because of this struggle, I found the following quote to be a blessing and wanted to pass it on to whoever might read this.

Elisabeth Elliot said: "My limitations become, in the sovereignty of God, gifts. For it is with the equipment that I have been given that I am to glorify God." (A Lamp for My Feet, p. 125) The Bible reference that this quote seems to picture is 1 Corinthians 12.